How To Not Pick-Up Girls In The Club

Single guys drive themselves crazy thinking about pulling a girl when they’re out drinking. Some guys actually obsess over it. Here are the 13 best ways NOT to pull a girl on a night out.

1. Buy her a drink

If you don’t want to pull a girl, then buy her a drink. Guys think that they can sweeten up girls by purchasing their beverages and it gives them greater chances at getting laid, but you really don’t need to. There is a chance that she’ll take your drink and walk off, meaning you’re back to square one AND out of pocket. It’s embarrassing.

2. Show her your moves

You might think that you’re like one of the Jabbawockeez, but you’re not. You’ll embarrass yourself and her in front of all the onlookers. Remember, alcohol makes you THINK you’re a good dancer, but the reality is really something quite different.

3. Talk her ear off

Scream shit into her ear in the nightclub. You’ll serve to annoy her and almost burst her eardrum in the process. You’re definitely not getting laid tonight.

4. Never break eye contact with her

Gaze into her eyes without blinking from across the dance floor. She’ll notice you and get up and leave her location. Find her and continue to stare endlessly into her eyes.

5. Be totally 100% honest about yourself

Be the honest guy, telling her you like asian porn and pissing in the shower and you won’t pull the girl you want to. If you DO want to pull a one-nighter, then it’s okay to fib a bit seeing as girls do it ALL THE TIME! Be the man you dreamed you’d be as a kid. You’re a sensitive school teacher by day and successful singer-songwriter by night. You like puppies and you enjoyed the Notebook. Swallow it up, it’s for the greater good.

6. Be entirely uninteresting

Try drooling in a monotonous tone about yourself, discussing topics like exams, studying, your kids, divorce/break-up etc. Nobody wants to hear about stressful, unhappy times when they’re out drinking. A surefire way not to pull a girl!

7. Wear Aldi aftershave

Aldi aftershave smells like you draped yourself in a dead animal before you left your house. Spray some of this secret woman-repellent on you and you’ll be sure to go home alone.

8. Wear Uggs

A fine pair of Uggs is all you need to repel any woman. Not sure why you’d be wearing them, but also not sure why the club would let you in them either.

9. Seem incredibly desperate

Tell her you haven’t kissed a girl since secondary school. Explain how you always try too hard and ask her if she would LET you kiss her. Any girl will be understandably creeped out by this, and you’re guaranteed not to pull her.

10. Follow her around like a dog in heat

Don’t say one word to her, just pursue her. Stay within one foot of her all night long, looking at her but never once opening your mouth.

11. Smell her hair

Simply walk up and run your fingers through her hair from behind. Hold it in your hands and give it one long deep inhale. The total stranger will be both afraid and disgusted. You definitely won’t be doing the “no pants dance” with her later.

12. Be extremely creepy

Make awkward grunts and moans around her while smelling her. Try crawling up behind her and whispering some abstract Patrick Kavanagh poetry in her ear: “I do not think of you lying in the wet clay of a Monaghan graveyard; I see you walking down a lane among the poplars on your way to the station.” She’ll run for the hills.

13. Tell her she reminds you of your mother

No one wants to be compared to someone else’s mother. You’re making her feel like she looks and/or acts old. You are guaranteed to never go home with her if you do this.